Take 3

This photo of me in my first acting class in SD is so special to me. It was taken at the end of 2019 for our holiday cookie exchange and along with all the great things taking this class opened up for me, there are a handful of friendships that came from it that I will always cherish.

When I decided to take this class it was after a huge life change (I’ll save that for another post sometime) I played it off in my head… it’s just for fun... it won't go anywhere... but really, I knew this was always what I wanted to do and the main reason I moved to California in the first place.

After reading about a variety of classes in San Diego I came across Terry's class: Acting Professionally and something said this was the one. I sent Terry an email to audit a class and in February of 2019 I was off to her Thursday night intro class. On the way there I of course get lost in the rain and pulled over to try and find the right address, I did not want to be late as this would make it even more nerve wrecking then it already was for me, but some how I convinced myself to go and not to bail out. This was my first sign.

After that I showed up weekly every Thursday from 8-10 and did my best. After I would call my Grandma on the way home and tell her all about it because she was of course now going to be my manager 😉

Other signs that confirmed what I had really known all along which is: acting is 🫶

• I couldn't get over having a group of other people who loved talking about movies and actors as much as I do AND the fun in sharing what we watched each week with each other. (I know this sounds silly but I did spend the last 9 years of my life in the beauty industry and my previous years talking fonts so this much movie talk always made me feel a little out of place before)

• Being able to consider watching movies, “research” or homework ;)

• Finally, the feeling of absolute anxiety every week in going to class was the amount that would normally stop me from doing anything, but in this case my want for being there was bigger.

• And to add on to that, I was not good, and I knew this would be the hardest thing for me to get good at but I never want to give it up.

Not Forever, But For Now

The first book I read by Chuck Palahniuk was Choke. I wish I could say I had been reading Chucks books since before the movie Fight Club, but I don’t think many of us were. I cried reading Choke. I cried when watching the movie many years later in a small theater by myself, especially when it ended with Radiohead’s Reckoner. That song meant a lot to me during that time. Watching Choke with the one and only Sam Rockwell gave me another feeling that I often have, that it was made for me in that moment of time. The movie wasn’t the book though, the book that I would find myself buying additional copies of to give to people I love, friends or anyone that I know would appreciate it.

Fast forward 20 years later, the full Chuck Palahniuk collection sits happily inside of my book case (including many autographed editions). Palahniuk the name I say when someone asks who my favorite Author is. Kevin always correcting me “PaUl-a-niK”, I know he’s right and I really should be saying his name correctly but it always comes out PUh-loo-nik for some reason. Anyways, now I have seen you in person and now I have an autographed blow up Kangaroo too that which I need to figure out where he will be sitting permanently in our apartment. Also, I’m sorry to the girl sitting to the left of us, she may have wanted the stuffed Kangaroo that Kevin caught for Cooper or the blow up one he caught for me but I promise.. I really needed them both.

Okay Chuck, I know I took way too long to visit you on a book tour. I could never make it happen for some reason or another OR maybe the universe thought September 6th, 2023 was the day? I think so.

From my notes (I try to type while not looking at my phone because I never want to seem like I’m texting and know I’ll figure it all out later)

When I started reading Chucks books, I spent most of the time marveling over these perfect sentences he wrote. Highlighting them, writing them in my journals, updating my “headline” on Myspace with them. Most of all just wishing I was able to put words together like this, to sound so beautiful, to move someone, to write words so aesthetically perfect next to one another on a page. This night on his book tour for his newest book Not Forever, But For Now, Chuck talked about this. THIS was actually part of his process, these sentences I’ve been obsessing over, he’s obsessed over too and he uses these sentences to transition his stories. Process is something my left brain self, longing for the right brain art can understand, so I listened. When he spoke the words: “I love the way you keep the mud alive” I didn’t need to know the story, I understood him and it made me feel good that we both felt the same way about such a sentance.

To the pursuit of not sounding like a maniac all over the place here in this blog or in real life, to grow as a writer, to share (outside of reg social media channels), to be better at containing some of my over passionate-ness (<- and also work on vocabulary). This is why starting this blog/journal thing with Chuck is suiting. “By the time I get it perfect it’s going to be over.”